Lost and Found

The inner allusion, a mystery, confusion;

Awaken with harmony and cruise into today.

With cracks in the armor find trust in the dawn,

And know knowings not real without being.

I found it, don't lose it, the challenge is keeping,

Do my best just to have it and to know it is mine.

My wondering, doubting, serves no one's believing,

Smiling and laughing, it's free, be not blind.

To feel is to get that life's a trip interrupted,

Adding up things is a total with no sum.

Making it part of a being, now that's wisdom,

While listening to the silence of the sunrise.

Each morning be still while the spirit awakins',

To mellow thoughts of those dreams just ahead.

The bed felt so comfy, my world felt like heaven,

The life that was walking has now taken wing.

Transforming my vibe to high spiritual streaming,

This day I will float, no more grounded with strings.

Rising like Dumbo, now free from the parade route,

I'm transported, connected, on winds in the trade.

After All, Tomorrow is Another Day

News Flash - Surgery Postponed until July 15th 

A week after his angiogram, this reporter could not shake the rash caused by his allergy to the iodine contrast used during the procedure. During his lunch break, before his planned visit to go to his Cardiologist's office in the rural town of Fallbrook, he noticed the rash had intensified and started to spread down his torso and legs.

After the 40 minute drive, and then waiting for 52 minutes to see the Doctor, he removed his shirt in the exam room. Dr. Whitwam confirmed the problem. It's a rash, probably from the iodine contrast. He stated he could send his patient to a Dermatologist, but that would only prove to confirm his diagnosis, or possibly reveal other allergies. In any case, the doctor knew that Prednisone should be prescribed to mitigate the symptoms.

In addition, they discussed the need to postpone the surgery scheduled for June 5th for two reasons. #1. It is highly risky to open up the body when such a rash is present. #2. The ten day course of this steroid drug also creates risk during surgery, due to its effect on the body's ability to control bleeding.

During drive south from this outpost, the patient continued to feel "itchier" and more uncomfortable, as if he had a full body sunburn. He determined that going back to work would be a mistake. Using his bluetooth device, he called a co-worker and management letting them know of the change of plans for that afternoon.

Upon arriving at the pharmacy to pick up his medication, he looked up the phone number of the surgeon's office to report the information. The office manager confirmed the need to postpone, and upon review of the Surgeon's schedule, including his vacation plans for Independence Day week, the surgery was re-scheduled for July 15th. 

While standing in the shade of the facade of CVS, he text-ed family and co-workers, informing them of the new date. He then drove home to discuss the course of events with Elley. They agreed that although this was a major fork in the road of the planning and preparations that had been going on for over 2 months, that together they would shift gears, regroup, and accept the "cards" that had been dealt on Wednesday, May 29, 2013.

Bucket List

The rash persists. I have to see my Cardiologist today. Maybe he has an idea of some drug that will knock the allergic reaction out. I cannot have surgery next Wednesday unless it clears up quick. A delay might mean a month of waiting to get back on my surgeon's packed calendar. I assume I can change my leave of absence at work if necessary.

These are the moments to stay centered and work with my mantra: "The only constant in life is change." It is also invokes one of my favorite quotes: "The steeper the mountain the harder the climb, the better the view from the finish line."

I am focusing on my bucket list this morning and how much I have to look forward to. I am imagining the spiritual calm I will feel when I visit Machu Picchu. I had what I assume will be a similar experience when we visited Tangboche in the early 1980's. The climb was monotonous but rhythmic over the 4 day journey from 9,000 - 12,687 feet on the yak trail in the Himalayas. The thin air challenges your spirit, the cabbage and yak meat supper the guides prepare impacts your body and mind.

When we arrived at the final camp, we wondered over to the Buddhist Monastery and knocked on the huge wooden doors. Remarkably, a monk invited us to enter and escorted us up a very narrow stone staircase to his sparse room. We sat, and as he offered tea and we listened to the chime of his Tibet Bells, we gazed out his small window at the peak of Mt. Everest. At that moment, I felt the greatest calm and was connected to the Earth and it's revolving truth.

I want to go back to Santorini and sit on the edge of the world again and take in the massive sea and ancient volcano peaks. I hear that New Zealand is 2 remarkable islands, with incredible Earth-scapes to behold.

In the presence of Earth's natural monuments, and the unimaginable dedication, creativity and work that went into building ancient sites dedicated to honoring the spirit that has moved humans for thousands of years, I get the deepest feelings of appreciation for life. 

Inception

I figured having a recliner would be a good idea during the healing process. Finding a comfortable position to sit and write, watch movies and nap is going to be a challenge with broken ribs. Craigslist provided the answer; for $75 we have a new addition to our eclectic mix of furniture. It was cheaper than renting one for $125 month. We'll probably sell it in August. Looks comfy!

Folks have been asking me how I'm doing. My best answer is that I am mentally and practically preparing for the things I anticipate. Getting the chair is a good example. We have been talking about hooking up regular TV from U-verse, but after finding free TV and movie websites online, we decided the best investment in entertainment would be to crank up our internet connection speed to 12 mps for ten more $$ a month.

I have mentioned a few other practical preparations, like enticing local friends to come over to pass the time, by posting photos of places we will sit and chat. The "going-to-the-bathroom" reality is always in the back of my mind and we have a collection of herbal stimulants on hand to attack that problem. Tina is organizing a "open heart" dinner for friends at work this Saturday night at The Spaghetti Factory. She has also asked for a list of my favorite foods, and the things I don't eat, so co-workers can cook some meals we can keep in the freezer. 

This whole journey is an out of body experience. I know someone named Robert Hoffman, DOB 12/17/51, has been in a van driving south to La Jolla, sitting in waiting rooms, meeting with Doctors, having tests, giving blood, and listening to explanations about needing surgery to replace his aortic valve with a cow's aortic valve. It's like a dream within a dream within a dream. 

The truth is that I am good at disconnecting my brain from my body, and although at times in my life this has been a bad thing, during this kind of reality it serves me well. I used to tell my son Casey to invoke the Dentist theory when going though something that hurts. Repeat a mantra when the DDS is shooting Novocain into your gums: "tomorrow at this time it will be over." 

I have a couple of tokens I keep around for grounding. My blue Sully from Avatar, my Jar Jar Binks from Star Wars, my pewter court jester, my small brass Genie lamp, my Mardis Gras beads, and my hand painted walnut from Bezerkeley. I'll show them to you when you drop by.

Stop Monsanto

Burdock and chamomile are indicated for the scaly skin rash I still have from an allergic reaction to the iodinated contrast dye used in my angiogram. My online research uncovers that I could have this rash for up to a month, so I will call both my Cardiologist and Surgeon's offices today to make sure this doesn't somehow interfere with the "plan."

Since the first time Stacey took me to the Coop store on University Ave. in Berkeley in 1977, I have learned and believe that "native" remedies work. Thousands of years of experience and knowledge gained from trial and error in many civilizations, provided humans the "medicine" needed to combat the reactions humans have to allergies, bacteria, viruses, wounds, etc.

In the late 19th and early 20th century, "modern" chemical and pharmaceutical companies began producing mass quantities of drugs when penicillin and insulin were "discovered." The origins of these and most of the drugs mass produced in the first 75 years of the industry's explosive growth, came from science labs replicating the formulas found in studies of "native" herbs and plants.

Since the 1950's, scientists have developed variations and mutations of these "native" compounds, while the business brains of their manipulative industry have infiltrated every medicine cabinet in the civilized world. The frightening reality is that this research has spilled over into the food chain, water supply, war games, feed for cattle, etc. by the likes of the monster Monsanto.

This weekends protests in over 300 cities around the globe shined a huge spotlight on the disaster spreading throughout every farm, dinner table, and killing field on every continent on Earth. Monsanto has produced 5 of the worst contaminates ever discharged for profit: agent orange, genetically modified seeds, saccharin, polystyrene, and bovine growth hormone.

The battle for planet Earth is just beginning.

There's No Place Like Home

It's going to be a long 8 weeks starting June 5th, but one of the things that will make it do-able is the beauty, taste, flare, and style of my girl Elley. Her backyard creations, and her in-home decor, have made me smile and feel at home since the first day I entered "Planet Elley" almost a year ago. 

Elley is an amazing creature. Besides her infectious smile, classy look, and her vibrant textures and layers earned through a life of fully embracing every twist and turn of the roller coaster ride, she is an artist. Elley's imaginative jewelry creations and her knack for decorating our humble little home with her collection of treasures, makes our abode a healing, nurturing, peaceful place to "BE".

I have invited you to visit me during June and July. We will sit in the backyard above or in the kitchenette over a cup of coffee. I will repeat that invitation here and hope some of you that are nearby will hang out here. Don called yesterday and said he might fly down from Whidbey Island to spend a few days. Just the thought that he might be able to pull that off makes me feel good. I have wonderful memories of our trips together to San Diego back in the 90's when we took a couple of golf getaway weekends.

P.S.  Marvin told me that my Post yesterday was like a little kid bragging about his shiny new toy at an Elementary School "show and tell", while the other kids are whispering and making fun of the fact that what he has is not new, special, interesting or noteworthy.

I get that; but my reason for journal-ing is to reveal what is making me happy, sad, positive, negative, motivated, challenged, optimistic, pessimistic, laugh, cry, connected, etc. Some of it is going to seem uninteresting, superficial and/or boring, but hopefully, every now and again, you'll read a phrase or two that will make you smile. Namaste

Back to the Future

11 days to go before surgery

I am always happy when I get a glimpse of who is reading my posts. You are anonymous unless you leave a comment here or on Facebook, Twitter or send me an email.

It would be fun if everyone that stops by here left a marker of some kind. I can only tell how many people have at least done a "drive-by," and as you can see in the image here, Blogger compiles stats.

These are the generic statistics for the past week. As you can see, unless you are one of the 25% using your Smart Phone and this image is too small, 367 people or "bots" have stopped by this Blog in the past 7 days.

On another screen, I can see how many "hits" there are on individual Posts during the week. For instance "May the Force Be With You" had 71 views and "Insanity" was second with 23 views.  This has been a lot of fun for me since I started using Blogger in December of 2008. I have 7,683 views all time, from over 10 countries, including Latvia and Egypt.

If I am not boring you yet, another fascinating reality is that old Posts continue to get views because they appear on Google searches. The most popular all-time are:  "I Can't Get No Satisfaction, But I Try ..."  and  "Sometimes There's Just Not Enough Rocks."  I have embedded links in these two titles to make it easy for you to just click on them if you have some extra time this weekend and want to go back to 2011 and see where my head was at.

I plan to enjoy the heck out of this weekend. May yours be filled with "thrills, chills and vitamin pills." 

Flash

I found out I am allergic to the dye they used to check my arteries. 24 hours after the angiogram, I was told I could take a shower and check the entry puncture on my upper leg (that's my delicate way to say groin). While I was drying off, I noticed that my whole upper body had broken out in a rash; back, front, face and bald head. It was a strange orange/red color and puffy.

I called the Dr.'s office and used Benadryl spray to prevent it from getting too itchy. I remembered that a half hour before they wheeled me into the procedure room they had given me 2 Benadryl and told me that it was a precaution in case I was allergic to the dye used during the procedure.  Now the Benadryl has worn off and the hot shower had brought the rash to the surface.

Recovery from this procedure had me missing 3 days of work instead of the one day I had anticipated. Rules: no driving, no walking, monitoring the puncture, keeping my leg raised, and lots of naps. All of this feels like a trial run for the real thing on June 5th.

I did realize a few things. We need a recliner in the living room, so I can hang out and find comfortable positions while my ribs are healing. I can get live TV on my Mac Book without dish, cable or U-verse, but it streams sporadically and the Air Parrot wireless software doesn't always send audio to our Apple TV box. Should we or shouldn't we pony up the $60 per month for regular TV? Should I buy an iPad? Will the AV adapter to HDMI work?

NOTE: Please know I am not whining, complaining, or looking for sympathy as I write this journal. I have many friends who have been through major heart, cancer, and bone operations, and debilitating chemo, radiation and ongoing diabetes treatments. So many of us have and will survive because of the medical advances in detection and treatment. I enjoy writing and sharing this journey with you and it helps me feel connected to my extended family. I have learned to allow others to care. For a former "Spock" clone, it is progress. Much Love, Robby

Insanity

We went for drinks last Saturday night at a local sports bar. I have never seen so many TV's playing different events. We witnessed an incredible round house kick in a UFC knockout and an amazingly athletic slow motion block of a dunk in a playoff NBA game.

What really caught my attention was the promo video for the "Insanity" workout. No equipment, no weights, just fast paced, intense body movements. When my surgical zipper and ribs heal, I may have to go for P-90X or Insanity.

My GP suggested that it is my intense personality that had me over compensating all these years for a declining amount of oxygen in my blood. I have been swimming most weekday mornings for over 3 years. The Docs agree that my diet, exercise and mental discipline have hidden my sliding blood oxygen levels.

It was a minor symptom that had me going for a check-up this Spring. I was getting short of breath while walking Lola. Tina pointed out to me the other day that The Dawgy Lama had saved me. I might have passed out while swimming laps and drowned. I had been pushing through my mounting fatigue trying to get in better shape and never put 2 and 2 together that I was actually struggling more and more.

That is where my stubborn self-discipline was getting in the way of the truth. On our walks up Fire Mountain with Lola, I would have to stop to catch my breath. Thank you Dawgy Lama for sending me the wake-up call I needed.

Go Ahead, Make My Day

I'm headed to La Jolla for a dose of light drugs, and the poking and prodding prescribed by my Surgeon for pre-op readiness. I have to hurry up and be there by 6:30 AM for an 8:30 procedure. It will be more like "hurry up and wait."

I've got 8 minutes before I have to head out the door at 5:25 AM. I'm not allowed to eat or drink, the coffee pot is silent and the bananas wait to be eaten tomorrow.

I'll let you know how it goes and if today's 3 tests reveal if there is anything else wrong with my arteries.

The Way We Were

I am in the final 2 weeks of prep for surgery and tomorrow is my angiogram, CT scan and pre-op blood workup.

I have been thinking about creative ways to use my time during my 2 months off of work and the butterfly sculpture I wrote about yesterday will be one project.

I am also exploring the possibility of interviewing fellow members of the 1969 Penn Freshmen Football Team and putting together a reunion book about who we were in 1969, our senior year in High School. About 15 of those old classmates are getting together in Utah in August, and although I won't be able to attend, I might have the book ready to send to them.

It's interesting to observe where one's mind goes when you find out you need major surgery at 61 years old. My first reaction, was to call my son and tell him where my Will was. It wasn't a negative, morbid moment, it just seemed like the practical thing to do.  

I have been swimming every weekday morning for 4 years. I had no indication that anything was wrong with me until I moved to Fire Mountain and started walking Lola uphill for her daily constitutionals. I would find myself out of breath in a way that seemed sudden and abnormal. When I first went to the Doc he prescribed an inhaler. When that didn't help I went back and he sent me for an echocardiogram.

The Cardiologist was quite surprised to see the "numbers" on the read-out; the amount of pressure inside my left ventricle, the limited functioning of my bicuspid aortic valve. It is a congenital birth defect that has "calcified" over 60 years and is not opening or closing very well.

Everyone agrees that the mind and body that got me to the top of the depth chart back in 1970, from the #4 linebacker and #6 running back, to starting against Lafayette my Sophomore year, is the same mind and body that will find me better than ever by August 1st.

Butterflies are Free to Fly .... Flyaway

Butterflies have always reminded me of my sister Lauren. Their delicacy and beauty represent the best of nature, and she was all of that and more.

At Toys 'R Us yesterday, we shopped for a birthday gift for a 3 year old. I found a section of kids' tools for outdoor exploration. When I saw the butterfly net, I cringed at the memory of us pulling wings off of these fragile insects and remembered how it was suggested that we trap them inside of jars or pin them onto "collector" boards.

Just last week I decided that during my convalescence I am going to use 2 rolls of 1/4" and 3/8" copper tubing I have been carrying around for years, to make a backyard fountain. The photo on the right is my inspiration for this sculpture. Water will flow from the ends of the wings and be recycled through a submerged pump in the copper base.

Over time the copper will patina and add wonderful blue hues to the sculpture. With the water pump on or off, it will grace our small backyard for a summer of enjoyment. It will give me a creative diversion during the long hours of being home and remain as a reminder of the time spent recuperating.

In late June, I will take pictures of the art project and post them here.

I want to take a moment to thank the many old friends who have contacted me since Sunday morning. It means a lot that you are sending good vibes and healing energy. Keep it flowing. This is the best use of the Internet; to reconnect and stay in touch with my extended family from Port, Penn, Princeton, Berkeley, Seattle, Borrego Springs, SoCal, etc.

Namaste 

May the Force Be with You

We laughed ourselves to sleep last night. It started as giggles, trying to remember the names of the people on the "Shark Tank" TV show. I suggested that the third guy from the left was Gil McDougall and it escalated into uncontrollable laughter.

This was an unexplainable, "had-to-be-there," 15 minutes of our lives. It came out of nowhere and impacted us beyond expectations. It was pure joy, fun, and togetherness.

This morning it was shared tears over coffee. Triggered by a moving online video of Ricochet the "Surfvice-Dog" riding the waves at San Diego beaches, riding a surfboard with autistic and brain damaged kids.

The smiles and the connection between the kids and Ricochet moved us beyond our little universe. We were riveted to the computer screen, each with tears rolling down our cheeks.

Moments that come "out-of-the-blue" make life richer. No matter what your routine, even if yours is of the impulsive nature, things happen that shape today and tomorrow. Recently, I had one of those moments. My Cardiologist explained to me that my echocardiogram revealed that I have a faulty bicuspid aortic valve which will require open chest surgery.

I am a healthy 61 year-old. I have eaten well for 40 years and exercise almost daily. It is an understatement to say this is a big surprise. We are taking it in stride, anticipating a full recovery, but in the weeks leading up to the moment they put me under, all kinds of thoughts and feelings have entered and will continue to pour into my life.

I will wake up on the afternoon of June 5, 2013 with a sutured "zipper" incision, cracked ribs, a cow's aortic valve, and 6" of artificial aorta. I will be heavily sedated for a few days and the thing I am dreading the most is being constipated from the narcotics.

I plan to write about this experience in a daily journal on this page starting today. At first, I will catch you up on the thoughts, truths, and my anticipatory feelings, my family and friends reactions and everyone's words of support. I also am making plans for my 8 weeks of convalescence on Farel Street in Oceanside.